Enjoying God's Gift

Singing has been my passion ever since my childhood days. I remember being asked often by my teachers to sing in school programs. Twice I won in singing contests. I was always eager to learn new songs and I would try to memorize them by heart.
When I entered high school, my voice seemed to change. I couldn't hit high notes and I started to experience doing falsetto. I lost twice in contests. I was seldom asked to sing both by teachers & classmates. This made me shy away all the more.
Enter college. I was overly amazed to see so many talented students who sang perfectly well & whose voices caught me in awe. With this scenario, I became more conscious of my voice...trying so hard to imitate them, trying so hard to practice to sing like them. Gradually I started to accept the fact that there's something wrong with the way I sing. Though I still struggle to be hopeful that someone will notice me but sadly no one did. I wanted to join in a choir with the hope that I can be trained to sing the proper way but nobody seems to be interested in taking me in.
Fast forward...years passed. I got married & have 3 kids - and they're the only ones who hear me sing often.
November 2009, I was asked to join the choir (Marriage Encounter Praise Ministry) here in our parish. I was surprised and overwhelmingly thrilled. Practice days are one of my favorites and it doesn't matter if it takes the whole night or even until midnight to sing songs of Praise.
But somehow an inner part of me was hungry for affirmations. It seemed I needed to know if I really know how to sing, if I do have a beautiful voice. I was waiting for an answer but none came. I started to suffer emotionally and spiritually. What if I am not really called for this ministry? What if this is not God's will but my will?
Things became worse for me when I started to hear "not-so-good" comments. People started to look for better singers, they started to compare me with others and others went so far as to laugh at the way I sing and to give other negative criticisms. It made a piercing sting in my heart. I wanted to quit...actually I did quit. I stopped singing for a few months.
"How can I stop from singing Your praise?...so the song goes. I went back again to singing...on & off I go. I became ultra-sensitive to comments and reactions. Until I grew exhausted and eventually stopped yearning for affirmations. Though my heart tells me that I am singing for the Lord and not for men but my head needs to know if I can really sing as good as those whom the people wants. I surrendered and assured myself I will never be as good as anyone of them.
Singing then became a "fit-in-schedule-when-available". I even stopped singing at home and I stopped thinking about it too. But my heart's passion pushed me to reflect and in the deepness of my soul I started to pray. Then it dawned on me as I remember in one of Rick Warren's words that when a parent did something good for their child and saw that it is greatly appreciated by the child, it makes them happy. I, then, came to full realization that God gave me this voice, this ability to sing as a gift and if God sees me enjoying and using this gift to the fullest it would please Him, making Him happy and He would smile down at me and say "I am glad you like my gift, Mel. I made it especially for you. No one has the same voice as yours. It is unique and you entertain me every time you sing your heart out."
And that's it. I sang my heart out. No strict training, no rigorous voice exercises, just love, deep passion and intense desire to please the Father who gave me this lovely gift. And you know what, people noticed me last Sunday and gave such nice affirmations I never, never expected. Truly..."seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you." I sought God's affirmation first and He gave me what I needed to hear. This is such an amazing grace! "How can I stop from singing Your praise? How can I ever say enough...how amazing is Your love?... I know I am loved by the King and it makes me heart want to sing.."

Trials - God's Mercies in Disguise

“What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?” So the song “Blessings” by Laura Story goes. And they are. My family has just experienced God’s immeasurable mercy and witnessed His profound wisdom far beyond human understanding. The joy I feel at this very moment surpasses all the joys I have ever experienced in the past. Allow me to share that joy…

My youngest son, during a physical examination done for their OJT (On-the-job-training) requirement, was found to have PTB (Pulmonary Tuberculosis) – something my son could hardly accept. At 19, Nikkie is a scholar in the university where he is taking up Computer Engineering course, at the same time he is currently the president of their student council. He is a committed and dedicated student leader – actively participates in almost all activities in their school and even in related outside campus events. He is an artist – he loves to draw, he can play the guitar, he can sing and dance well and he even designed my blog! To us, his family, Nikkie is full of fun and displays a lot of sense of humor. He is sweet, who embraces me a lot & says “I love you, mommy” before he goes to school & before he goes to sleep, caring, thoughtful, playful, mischievous at times, talks a lot, and dances in comical steps that would make us laugh! He dreams of finishing his studies; find a good job, and help us free our way out of poverty. To my son, the illness seemed to kill his dreams. More than anyone else in our family, I was specially the one who understood my son’s suffering and sentiments, not because I am his mother but because I am an MDRTB survivor. This disease (MDRTB or Multiple Drug Resistant Tuberculosis), which needed 18 months of painful treatment using second-line anti-TB drugs, almost took me away from my love ones. But God, in His infinite mercy and compassion, helped me survived and brought me back to my husband and my 3 boys. But that would be another story.

Nikkie started with the 6-month treatment program immediately in a hospital affiliated with their university. He goes there every afternoon after his OJT hour to take his dozes which are free. I assured him that as long as he is faithful in taking the medicines he will be fine. I told him there will be side effects but since they are first-line anti-TB drugs, they will be tolerable & that he can still continue with his normal life. But I was wrong. The medicines my son initially took had adverse effects on him – he developed rashes so severe he was rushed to the emergency room. The doctor opted for a different approach – he will be treated with branded medicine. The hospital gave my son the free samples of the said medicine they have in their stocks. But once the supply is out we have no choice but to buy the medicines outside – something we don’t usually afford.

I prayed, asking the Lord to help us find a way to get my son’s medicines and to spare him from further adverse effects of the drugs. I even begged Him to heal my son. I know there is power in persistent prayer. I also believe that God works in ways that far outweighs the intellectual minds of men. And I chose to hold on to His words “I will show mercy to whom I will, I will take pity on whom I will.” (Exodus 33:19) I am relying solely on His merciful heart.

I started to ask friends if they knew anyone, doctors or medical representatives who would be willing to give their samples of the medicine my son needs. But days passed and the sample medicines the hospital gave to my son were running out. We barely had any money then.

One day, a very dear friend who knew nothing of our predicament, called unexpectedly. She remembered her promise that she would take us out sometime for lunch but since she is too busy with her work she will give us money as her gift for my family. My heart was beating fast when I heard the news, and I could almost feel the tears coming out from my eyes. God has heard my prayer! My husband immediately bought my son his medicines that would supply him for a week. The next day, the hospital called my son and told him that they have 12 pcs of the medicine for him to pick up (good for 4 days!) – Again, another proof of God’s providence.

One Tuesday morning, as I was browsing through the list of friends I have in my Facebook account, I saw the name of a young lady nurse whom I met a year ago during a video-taking of TB patients. She is working in a firm that caters to the needs of TB patients as one of their missions. I asked her if she can help my son with his medicines. After narrating to her the details of my son’s case, she promised that she will do her best to help. The next day, I received a forwarded text message from my friend. The text came from a doctor who holds a key position in the Department of Health stating that she personally knew the wife of the owner of the pharmaceutical company which manufactures the drug my son needs and that the owner has pledge to supply his medicines for the whole 6-month treatment! I was so overwhelmed with joy that I cried! What I felt that moment was indescribable. All I was thinking was God. He heard my desperate plea for my son. He felt my suffering and compassion for my ailing son. He saw my struggles in finding the right medicine for my beloved son! And most of all, He loves my son more than I do. What have I done to deserve such grace? Nothing, absolutely nothing! I have nothing to boast. All I have are weaknesses and sins. The Lord did all these because He is a loving God and is merciful to me. I can find no better answer than this.

Was it all purely coincidence? How can I explain the timely events of the past with the present? Everything was planned according to the design of the Almighty – a design to show His power, His mercy, His compassion, and His unconditional love. My being an MDRTB survivor paved the way for me to meet this young lady friend of mine who would become the bridge that would connect me to the one who would supply my son’s medicine. And what amazes me more is that the doctor she talked to personally knew the owner of the pharmaceutical company which manufactures the drug my son needs. Everything fits in so perfectly well that it would be impossible for a human mind to explain clearly the perfect symmetry of this blissful design. And it all started with a trial. Could it be then that trials are God’s mercies in disguise? Yes, I believe they are. Trials are God’s mercies in disguise.   

A Flower for the Lord

Plum blossom or “Mei hwa” is one of the most beloved flowers in China. It is said that it blooms more beautiful during winter; something the Chinese people sees as meaningful and worthy enough to represent their culture. During times of turmoil, the political, economic, and social struggles they have endured, the Chinese people hold steadfast to their belief, preserved their culture, have persevered and remained strong as a nation a midst all adversities just like the plum blossom – beautiful even a midst the cold winter. Thus this lovely flower came to symbolize perseverance, hope, strength, and resilience to China.

My father is a Chinese while my mother is half-Chinese. My father gave me the name “Shue Mei”. “Shue” means ice or snow and “Mei” is the plum blossom flower of China or “Mei hwa.” Mother said I was given this name because I cried a lot when I was a baby, which honestly back then, I couldn’t see the relationship between the flower in the snow and of that being a crying baby. But as the years went by I finally realized how my name would influence my life.

Actually, there is nothing remarkable in my life. I came from a poor family. Like everyone else, I also have my share of painful experiences. And although my trials & difficulties were shaped as ordinary as those of other people who have went through the same trials, it is how I understood them that make them extraordinary and very special for I look at my trials, pain, and difficulties as stairs that would lead me closer to the God whom I have longed to know, to serve, and to love. I have survived many storms in my life and only because the Lord have always been merciful to me.

From all the sufferings and pain I have experienced, I have come to believe that there is a God who sees everything, who knows everything and who alone understands my innermost feelings, my pain, my struggles, even my anger and bitterness. I have also learned that God, through my weaknesses, can manifest Himself so easily and clearly that I can rest peacefully in His arms knowing He is in control. And it is also during these times of difficulties that I can be closer to Him than I can imagine with all my vulnerabilities, shame, and guilt laid down; that I can have intimate moments with Him; that I can pour out to Him at will everything that burdens my heart. He will not speak until I have worn out myself from crying out my heart and soul to Him. He loves me that much to allow me to speak freely to Him without fear. And when silence moves in - God speaks. He speaks through the things I see every day – the swaying of the leaves in the cool morning breeze that seems to be praising the Lord in thanksgiving for a beautiful day, the chirping of the birds flying gracefully in the air as if spreading the good news of His provision, the light of the morning sun that seems to radiate hope, the stillness of the night that seems to whisper God’s offer of rest,  the warmth of my husband’s embrace and the sweetness of my children’s affection that seem to speak of God’s unfathomable love and care, the simple text messages from true friends that brings His assurance that I am not alone, and the music, yes, the music - the songs God has put in my heart and in my mind that seem to echo of His ever-presence in my life. Will all these not make me sing passionately then for my God?

My faith, tested many times through trials and sufferings, has remained anchored in one thing and one thing only – His Word. No other power has kept me alive all these years except the word of God. As air is vital to my body so is His Word vital to my soul, my mind, and my heart. It has touched my soul and now it desires to be united with Him. It has pierced my mind and now it yearns to know Him more. It has melted my heart and now it longs to be warmed by Him and by Him alone.

I am not the flower in the snow but my life is. For who am I to be compared to such loveliness? My life is the flower in the snow. My life, sustained by the graces of the Lord, by His mercy and compassion, by His unconditional love, by His living Word, was able to survive the winter, and will continue to survive in the many winters to come all because of God. And if ever I would breathe my last here on Earth I would love to offer my life, this flower that have remained beautiful a midst the cold winter, to the Lord, my God.